Mojito: Oh, right -- you. A bartender's worst nightmare. You had this drink once outside at a Cuba-themed cookout, and it was awesome. And you're right, it was awesome. But IT IS WINTER NOW AND THE MINT LEAVES AREN'T FRESH AND THE BARTENDER HAS TO SIT HERE AND MUDDLE THIS SH*T WHILE EVERYONE AROUND YOU SHOOTS YOU IN THE FACE WITH THEIR EYES. You also own many Jodi Picoult books.
Rum and Coke: You are a college kid. Or maybe you're just a college kid at heart. Either way, you should stop wearing those cargo shorts outside your house.
Mai Tai: You are a party animal. You own three ironic Hawaiian shirts, and one non-ironic Hawaiian shirt that just says “Hawaii”. Okay, so that’s actually a pretty decent shirt. It’s a nice fabric. You only change the radio station when Jimmy Buffett comes on if other people are in your car.
Gin and Tonic: You own eleventy polo shirts and secretly believe they look better with the collar popped. You first met a Jewish person in college, at Williams. You have several pine-scented candles in your apartment, but only use one, and the wick is getting dangerously long.