Looking to add to one of Roxie's lame joke threads and not start another new one, but .re-reading this thread made me laugh..'specially the burn gifs...
IA friend posted a video on FB about a neighborhood dairy which made me immediately think of that cartoon of a bull with a smirk on his face as he was waiting in line to get milked? Then came across these cow jokes trying to locate it.
In a field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free,
but the bull charges.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
But where does dragon milk come from?
Short-legged cows.
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
"You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered.
I replied in a psychotic tone, I didn't know there were any
witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
How do you tell the difference between a cow and a bull?
Milk them both. The one that smiles is the bull.
Farmer Fred had a problem arise when, upon preparing his prize
bull for market, the barn door slammed shut cutting the tail off
the bull. His prize bull was to be sold that very day, yet now
Farmer Fred couldn't wholesale him or retail him
What did the bull say to the nearsighted milkmaid?
"Mooooooooooooooooooo."
One farmer says to another farmer that he had to shoot
one of his cows?
"Was it mad?" asks the other farmer.
The farmer replied, "Well it wasn't very happy about it".
Why do they put bells on cows?
Because their horns don't work!
Why is it such a drag to screw a cow?
You have to climb down from the stump, and walk all the way
around every time you want to kiss her.
What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?
A Milk Dud.
What do ya call a cow with no legs?
GROUND BEEF.
What do ya calla cow with 3 legs?
LEAN BEEF.
What do you get from a forgetful cow?
Milk of Amnesia.
When is the best time to milk a cow?
When she is in the mooooood.
What do you get from a dry cow?
Evaporated milk.
What do you call a cow that has had an Abortion???
Decalfinated
What do you call a cow with five legs?
A bull.
An old bull and a young bull are talking in one field about
the cows in the field next door.
The young bull says " Why don't we run over there jump over
the fence and f#*k some of them cows?"
Old Bull, "Nay lad, lets walk down through the gate and
f#*k'em all "
The bull Hanibal was grazing on a nice green meadow, when on the
neigbours meadow suddenly a beautiful cow appeared, "Hanibal, come
over here, and you will be very happy!"
The bull shook his head, "The fence is much too high."
The cow tried again, "Hanibal, come over and lets play!"
The bull resisted, "But there is barbed wire on the fence."
The cow shaked her udder and a$$, and suddenly Hanibal felt a
very natural desire. He ran, jumped and really made it to the other
side.
The cow sighed, "Oh Hanibal"
The bull responded, "Only Hani now."
A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended
to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch
had a name.
"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. I wanted to call it the
Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W,
and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the
Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."
"But, where are all your cattle?"
"So far, none have survived the branding."
Morris and Lena's bull took sick and died, so they needed to go
to the auction to buy a new one. Morris had to tend to the dairy
and couldn't leave the farm, so Lena took the train to the city
to buy a bull. If she was successful, she would take the train
back to the farm, then she and Morris would go to town with the
truck to pick up their newly purchased bull.
The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Lena found
herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she
had but ten cents, but she was finally the successful bidder.
Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents. "Please,
Mr. Conductor, couldn't you make an exception just vunce?" pleaded
Lena.
"Sorry lady," he replied, "but you can send your husband a
telegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the
street."
At the Telegraph office, Lena asked, "Mister, how many words can
I send to my husband for a dime?"
"It's ten cents a word," the clerk answered.
Lena pondered her dilemma, then finally said, "OK, here's da
message: "COMFORTABLE "
(took me awhile...Come fer the bull)
The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women,
met and decided that this month's outing was to be at a dairy farm.
Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never
seen such a thing.
The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which
whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched
out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted
countryside. After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer
who invited them to look him up should they have any questions.
Myrtle, after looking about, and being amazed by what she saw,
stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was
quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him -
he sauntered in.
"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient
tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with
horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other
times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of
acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold.
Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns.
But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause
it's a horse."
A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow
the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by
a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer
complains that the bull just eats grass and wont even look at
the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at
the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The
farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows,
broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's cows."
"Wow," says the banker, "What did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
"I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like
chocolate."
A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy farm
country when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the
hood to see if he could find out what had happened.
A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had been
grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside
the man.
After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks like a
bad carburetor to me." Then she walked back into the field and began
grazing again.
Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just passed
where he met a farmer. "Hey, mister, is that your cow in the field?"
he asked.
The farmer replied, "The brown and white one? That's old Bessie."
The man then said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just said,
'Looks like a bad carburetor to me.'"
The farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old Bessie, son.
She don't know a thing about cars."
Have you heard about the five young bulls who were standing in the
pasture discussing what they wanted to be when they grew up?
The first said he wanted to go to Rome and become a papal bull.
The second said he wanted to go to New York and become a bull on
Wall Street.
The third wanted to go to the windy city to become a Chicago Bull.
The fourth said he wanted to go to Beijing and be a bull in a
China shop.
The fifth said he was just going to stay in the pasture for heifer
and heifer and heifer.
There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one
named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female
population and young George was pretty excited.
"Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George.
"George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're
lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies
in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam.
"Okay, I can do that." George answered.
Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just
like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there but Sam
had a few more instructions.
"Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one
end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle,"
said Sam.
"OK, OK, let's go!" said George.
"Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These
gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect
and be polite.
OK?" said Sam.
"Sure" says George.
Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts
at one end and Sam at the other.
George is pretty excited, but he remembers Sam's instructions
about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say
- "Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you
ma'am, thank you ma'am, Oops! Sorry Sam, thank you ma'am."
A young man was driving along a country road on the way to see
his girl. As he passed a field the idea struck him to stop and
pick a bouquet of flowers. He had barely begun romping through
the field when he became aware or a rather mean looking bull not
far away, with head lowered and an evil look in his eye.
Far away, leaning comfortably on the prudent side of the fence,
stood a farmer taking in the situation. The young man called out
to him, "Hey, mister! Is that bull safe!"
To which the farmer shouted back, "Safe as anything! Can't say
the same about you, though!"
A city feller who didn't know the front end of a goat from a
magnolia bush was watching his week-end host's daughter milking
her cow when a farm hand hollered, "Watch out, here comes the bull!"
The city feller vaulted a fence for safety, but noted to his
surprise that the girl never budged from her stool. Furthermore,
the bull stopped abruptly, snorted almost apologetically and meekly
retreated to his enclosure.
"Weren't you petrified?" demanded the guest.
"Not me," said the milkmaid, "but I reckon the bull was. This
here cow's his mother-in-law."
At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, "That new
bull nearly did me in today, partner."
"Oh yeah, what happened?"
"I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at
me like a locomotive from hell. He damn near got me!"
"So, how'd you get away?"
The bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave
me a chance to make it to the fence and jump over."
"Man, that's scary. If it'd been me, I would probably have
sh#t all over the place."
"I DID! What do you think that bull was slipping in?"
After much urging by his wife, my Uncle Joe applied for work on
a farm. The foreman decided to give him a try and told him to milk
a cow, equipping him with a stool and a bucket.
An hour later Uncle Joe returned dirty and sweaty, the bucket in
one hand and the broken stool in the other.
"Extracting the milk was easy," he explained. "The worst part
was getting the cow to sit on the stool!"
Two cows are standing in a field, talking to each other.
One cow says, "Hey, aren't you worried about getting that
mad cow disease everyone is talking about?"
The other cow says, "Why should I? I'm a chicken."
Two more cows are standing not too far from the first two,
One turns to the other and says "Moo !"
The second looks at the first and says "Damn!, I was just
about to say that!"
Yet another two cows are standing not too far from the other
four and one turns to the other and says, "Baaa!"
"Baaa??" asks the second "Why did you say Baaa?"
The first one replies "I'm learning a new language."
A female Television Program reporter went to make an interview
with a farmer...seeking the main reason that caused Mad Cow disease
The Lady : Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information
about the reason that causes Cow Madness. Do you have any idea
what might be the reason??
The Farmer, stared at the lady and said, "Do you know that the
Bull fu#*$ the cow once a year?
The Lady getting embarrassed: "Well sir, that's a new piece of
information, but what's the relation between this phenomena and
Cow Madness?
The Farmer : Well Mam, do you know that we milk the Cow FOUR
times a day!!!
The Lady : Sir this is really valuable information, but what
about getting to the point!
The Farmer : I am getting to the point Mam. Just imagine, if I
am playing with your tits FOUR TIMES A DAY and f'ing YOU ONCE
A YEAR, wouldn't you get MAD ??
A man takes his wife to the cattle show. They start heading down
the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's
stall states "This bull mated 50 times last year. The wife turns
to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that
nice!."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull
mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says,
"This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month.
You could learn from this one!"
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull
mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says,
"WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!! You could
really learn from this one."
The anoyed man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire
if it was 365 times with the same cow."
If car dealers sold livestock, this is what an invoice
would look like:
Basic Cow $499.95
Shipping and Handling 35.75
Extra stomach 79.25
Two-Tone exterior 142.10
Produce storage department 126.50
Heavy-duty straw chopper 189.60
Four spigot milk dispenser 149.20
Automatic fly swatter 88.50
Genuine cowhide upholstery 179.90
Deluxe dual horns 59.25
Automatic built-in fertilizer 339.40
4x4 posi-traction drive 884.16
SUGG. RETAIL PRICE 2843.36
Pre-delivery wash and comb 69.80
Additional dealer adjustments 300.00
-------
Total list price 3143.36
IS UDDER SIZE IMPORTANT PART 1
The latest fad to sweep the bovine world is cowsmetic
surgery. Specifically, I am mooing about the alarming
increase in the number of cows having udder augmentation
via silicone implants. Many small uddered cows feel that
this is needed to satisfy their bullfriends and increase
their milk productivity.
To all this I say phooey! Any bull who doesn't love you
for what you are isn't worth a roll in the hay. And any
cow who thinks an udder full of silicone will increase her
milk production is just plain dumb. The noted sexpert
Dr. Hugh Heifer has just written a most interesting
article in this month's Playbull entitled, "A Cow Is Only
As Good As Her Udder." This explicit article attempts to
explain our new found obsession with udder size. Dr. Heifer
states that high and low self-esteem is developed when we
are breast fed as calves. A well running teat and full
udder during nursing produces high self-esteem while a
dry teat and empty udder during nursing produces low self
esteem. He concludes that the current crop of "Falsie
Bossies" all suffer from "Dry Teat Syndrome" and are now
augmenting themselves because of those early calfhood
mammaries.
To all this I say double phooey!
IN THE FINAL ANALYSIS, IT'S ALL CUD!
One day, a cattle farmer heard one of his cows lowing
out in the mud pit behind the barn. It sounded like she
was in hard labor. He went out, and, sure enough, it was
a breech. He tried to turn the calf around, but it was
too late -- the legs were already coming out. All he could
do was pull on the legs to assist in the birth.
This field was right next to the interstate, and a red
MG stopped, and a woman jumped out and said, "Is there
anything I can do to assist?"
The farmer said, "Yes, please! Grab a leg and pull!"
So they both pulled, and they were able to get the calf
out.
The farmer, very grateful, said, "Wait a minute while I
run back and get my wallet -- I owe you for this."
"Oh, no, I wouldn't dream of accepting any recompense
for this service. However, there is one question you
can answer for me."
"Anything!"
"How fast was the little one going when it ran into
the big one?"
A farmer goes to his local farm equipment store and
tells the salesman he wants to buy a milking machine.
"Certainly, sir. Right this way," says the salesman.
"How many cows will you be milking?"
"Just one," says the farmer.
"Oh," says the salesman. "Well, sir, I really wouldn't
recommend a milking machine for only one cow. You could
milk three cows by hand in the time it would take you to
set up the machine and clean it afterwards."
"I said I want a milking machine. Now, are you going
to sell me one, or not?" the farmer replies indignantly.
"Well, sure, I'll sell you one if that's what you want.
Just making sure, that's all," says the salesman.
The salesman shows the farmer the milking machines and
the farmer picks one out, after reiterating to the salesman
that, yes, he really does want the machine even though he
only has one cow.
After he's rung up the sale, the salesman's curiosity gets
the best of him.
"Sir, if you don't mind my asking, why are you so insistant
on buying this milking machine even after all I've said?"
"Well," says the farmer, "I got a new cow a couple of weeks
ago. The first time I tried to milk her, I tried from the left
side and she put her left foot in the bucket. The next day,
I tried milking her from the right side and she put her right
foot in the bucket. Then the next day, I tried milking her
from behind and she put her tail in the bucket. The next day,
being fed up, I tied her left leg to the left side of the barn,
her right leg to the right side of the barn, and her tail to
the rafter.
Now if you can convince my wife that all I wanted to do
was milk that cow, I won't need this milking machine."
This guy from out of town is driving through the country
when he happens across two rednecks banging a cow. He can't
believe his eyes but carries on driving. About two miles
down the road he sees another two rednecks banging another
cow, further down the road he sees another two going at it
so he starts thinking that it must obviously be pretty good
so he decides to try it.
As he's about to come two rednecks from before show up and
start laughing at him.
Feeling pretty pissed off he asks them what the f#*k they
are laughing at because he saw them f'ing a cow earlier on
down the road.
They reply "We know, but that cow's so damn ugly!"
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
"You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered.
I replied in a psychotic tone, I didn't know there were any
witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
How do you tell the difference between a cow and a bull?
Milk them both. The one that smiles is the bull.
This guy from out of town is driving through the country
when he happens across two rednecks banging a cow. He can't
believe his eyes but carries on driving. About two miles
down the road he sees another two rednecks banging another
cow, further down the road he sees another two going at it
so he starts thinking that it must obviously be pretty good
so he decides to try it.
As he's about to come two rednecks from before show up and
start laughing at him.
Feeling pretty pissed off he asks them what the f#*k they
are laughing at because he saw them f'ing a cow earlier on
down the road.
They reply "We know, but that cow's so damn ugly!"
Fella was in the market to buy some acreage. He found
just what he was looking for, but it was a little expensive.
During an inspection of the property, however, he found a
hive of bees. He told the owner that he was deathly afraid
of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece
of land. The landowner assured him that the bees were
completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of
it. Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would
allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under
the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the
farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be
his for free.
The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the
risk. An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and
saw the poor buyer slumped over in his bindings. Fearing
the worst, he ran up to him and asked him if he had been
stung.
The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No, but doesn't
that calf have a mother?"
MY VERY FIRST TIME
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow.....
THE TRUTH ABOUT GRAZING COWS
Dear Dr. Science,
Hey, why do cows graze facing the same
direction, anyway?
Eddie
Raleigh, North Carolina
Eddie,
I can only offer a theory, but it's my hunch that
cows are reincarnated Druids. Usually, they face
in the direction of Stonehenge, that arcane and
mysterious circle of British stone. They can no
longer make sacrifices on moonless nights because
they no longer have hands. This is probably
fortunate, if you have chickens or geese. You'd hate
to lose your barnyard fowl to some sort of ritual.
The lack of hands is the cause of the rather melancholy
expression one so often sees on the face of a cow.
There are, however, still rural Stonehenges scattered
throughout America and certain parts of England. These
circles of corn or barely were nudged into place over a
long period of time by patient herds of cattle -- the
most religious, mysterious and clumsy of all barnyard
animals.
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring
yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion
among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled
our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now,
I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't
givin' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3
years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine.
I'll fight'm till I run him off or kill'm, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only
let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you
fellows yet but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls
up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT; the biggest
Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step
he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I
really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can
spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay
on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking
for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing
the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have
some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Sh*t, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he
knows I'm a bull!"
